Well, my latest Carbon-14 analysis of you came back somewhat cloudy.  It reported that you were 29,000 years old, which I think is off by at least one order of magnitude.  Someone licked the test tube again; I'm changing strategies.

In order to precisely determine your age, I'm sending dendrologists over to cut you open and count how many rings.  (Dendrology is the study of woody plants.)  Apparently you lay down one ring every year, and from this data we can learn not only your age, but also whether or not you have been attacked by wood beetles, when exactly you experienced a drought, and how much nitrogen your roots are fixing.  The operation will be painless and of great benefit to science.  Foreverafter at the international conferences we hold to discuss you, I will be called upon to present your ring diagrams.  These diagrams will be reproduced in a paper in Nature or Science, and I'll be remembered for putting one of our age's four great questions to rest.  (In order of ascending importance: What is dark matter?  What are the ingredients in the primordial soup? What happens to moths on their way to the moon?  How old are you?)

So you must cooperate when the dendrologists come knocking.  Let them strap you to the kitchen table and lower the ether mask onto your face.  Because science is the greatest endeavour of mankind; science is the only candle in our century's long darkness; science is the purest expression of my love for you.