Most of us pay someone half our wages to live in a house we'll never own. This is my useless revenge.
Dear Sara Chincello,
Following on from our recent conversation, and after careful consideration, I have decided to agree fully to your terms. As a new tenant of Meridian Estates, I feel refreshed and relieved by your generous offer. In my youth I shared a small room with my four brothers, and as the room you propose is a generous 10m by 8m, I have no reservations about bedding down with the other twelve.
I understand that Visas can sometimes be a problem in this country, and it is for this reason that I particularly appreciate your willingness to overlook the unnecessary immigration hurdles. I assure you that we are perfectly happy with the lack of sanitation in the room, and do not require windows. We would, however, like to accept your generous offer of a small green plastic mat to bring a bit of colour to the concrete floor. Since the closure of Bexley Stables, we have also agreed to accommodate a few small horses until alternative arrangements can be made. I trust they will find adequate grazing in the neighbours’ window boxes.
I would like to extend the horses’ personal thanks to Mary Kant, Miles Davis and yourself for being such great friends. If it wasn’t for the patience and understanding of Meridian Estates, we would always be suffocating in the nosebag of inadequate housing. We all look forward to occupying this property for many long years to come. Occasionally Greenwich hails a “Local Hero” in the NewsShopper Newspaper and I’m going to suggest that they crown you – Princess Sara Chincello the Monarch of Housing!
I really hope that you and the other ‘Meridian Martyrs’ will come round one evening to stroke the horses and see our wormery. Did I mention the wormery? It will be like a regular wormery (for converting biodegradable household waste into fertiliser) but instead of regular garden worms we will be using tapeworms. We hope to construct it on the front doorstep where the neighbours will see it.
These tough financial times in which we crawl through the muck can be a dribbly drain on our sense of fun – Let’s unblock that drain together!
Yours truly
Peter Trowles MBE