Football Terminology for the Modernity of Soccer
As football becomes a global business, the language of the game changes, both on and off the field.
Here is a list of terms that are slowly but surely being used in the modern vocabulary of football fans, players and referees.
1. Home Goal – Used to be own goal, but this is now used more often. This is when a player takes the ball to his/her own goal and kicks it in (their own goal).
2. Putting it in the Soup – To miss the goal and the ball to end up in the soup.
3. Leaving your head in the soup – When a player is not playing well.
4. Cuppa Soup – Young players are often referred to as this.
5. Dam Buster – A penalty that involves two balls, one kicked with the right foot and one with the left of the same player.
6. Beaver – Two goals scored at the same time when the Dam Buster is in play.
7. Slag Heap – Celebratory dance when a team wins, starting with the team descending on the team's own goal keeper. Human Pyramid is the result.
8. Snotty Botty – When a player begins arguing with one of his own team mates on the pitch.
9. Manager's Special – When a manager urinates into the team bath before they get into the locker rooms. This usually happens when a team loses (on big occasions, this can happen when a team wins).
10. Custard Cream - When a player loses control after getting a red card and held down by his own players and filled with as much Mr Whippy as possible, and then sat on until vomit happens.
I’ve researched into this a little and have found a few more:
Space Race – When a Russian player kicks the ball really high in the air.
Old Faithful – When the ball strikes the back of a player’s head, causing saliva to shoot out of his mouth like the famous geyser at Yellowstone National Park.
The Large Hadron Collider – When two players run into each other at high speed.
Woofside – When a dog falls foul of the offside rule.
Two Dogs – When two goalies hang out in the same goal during a game
Whistlestopper – When a play is made entirely in reverse in defiance of time and physics
Time Teams – A vanity game played by football teams from different points in history
Rampart Ramblers – When all twelve players form a human chain and sweep the pitch from goal to goal
The Gerry Mulligan – An unofficial brass horn worn by a manager-to-be
Mole Goal – When a player reaches the other team’s goal unseen by means of a tunnel (sometimes called a Hole Goal).
The Where’s Wally? – When both teams have to stop the game to search for a missing player hiding amongst the spectators.
Kissyfur – when a goalie catches the ball and mollycoddles it
The Outer Refs – The final stages of a game (80 minutes in) when a referee’s mind turns to other things
Boil in a Bag – Ruptured ligaments in a leg
Correction;
10. Custard Cream – players are often confused because of the similarities between football and sex, they score goals but with the absense of women on the pitch some players lactate in preparation for any football babies.
Munterjunting – When a player says nasty things about another players girlfriend on the pitch.
Well, these are interesting thoughts. I think they are true. However, everything is
relative and ambiguous to my mind.
Leeching – When a player latches onto an opponent’s body and has to be prised off by the referee.
Around The Houses – When a match spills out from the stadium, and play continues in and around adjacent residential areas, including schools, hospitals etc.
Preggers – When the goalie, unobserved, slips the ball up his jersey and waddles to the opposing goal pretending he is heavily pregnant, before “giving birth” to a goal.
Specsavers – When a team, challenging a decision by the referee in favour of their opponents, brings out an accredited optician to perform an eyetest on the referee in the centre of the pitch before the baying fans.
Flag Tag – Football players have the attention spans of hyperactive kids wired on isotonic sports drinks. So whilst the ball is out of play, (the linesman is fetching it for a throw in or something), they often play tag, where the corner flags are the “safeties” or “home”.
Rounders – When, towards the end of a goalless and tedious match, all the players of both teams give up and play a game of rounders instead, because it’s much more fun, and everyone gets a turn to bowl and bat, even the goalie.
DEFCON 5 – Nobody’s quite sure what this is, but they all hope it will never become necessary to go to it.
Shinbots – When the players are really bored of running up and down the pitch and put their shin pads on their forearms and pretend to be robot soldiers. They pretend their fingers are laser guns and go “doo doo” and “peeow peeow”. Arguments often ensue about who shot whom first.
The Thermos – At cold winter matches a midfielder is filled with pint after pint of hot beverage before the game for the convenience of other players during play. They can warm their hands upon him in idle moments, or squeeze out a nice hot cuppa.
The Johnson – When the team captain is assassinated during play and his vice captain has to don the armband and call the shots.
The Daddy’s Special – Pray it is never televised.
Going Straight to Gaol – When one or more players get entangled in the net of either goal
G20 – Two players are designated rioters and are chased by the other players for 10 minutes. If neither rioter is chased into a goal, all players are beaten by riot police.
Messerchmit-Spitfire – Media coverage of Germany-England games that is somewhat distasteful. Sample usage: That Holocaust Pun in the Sun was a bit Messerchmit-Spitfire.
You can lead a horse to water but only the goalie can make him drink- A wooden horse is filled with footballs and deposited by the opponents goal. The goalie must then resist the overpowering urge to see if the horse can fit in the goal. If he does, the horse is detonated, filling the goal with balls and creating an insurmountable scoreline.
i love football more than people and kittens and picnics in the park and kindness and jesus, and so i find all of the above offensive… and a little bit like a nasty case of:
1. shakefuck: making a hollywood version of a shakespeare play and putting calista flockhart or denzel washington and/or keanu reeves in it.
2. quickspit: a drop of rain from a roof that times itself perfectly to slip down the neck.
3. doctor-muff-moist-no: a muffin that looks moist but isn’t.
4. dogs: dogs.
5. smarty-slack: pretending to love books and hate sports because of school cruelties and politics, not for any genuine love of intellectual pursuits or hatred of sports.
6. nineteen-eighty-fuck-slap: reality TV.
7. pudding: a wedding (also commonly applied to any social gathering) without free alcohol.
8. stay-away-spray: immigration and visas.
10. listlessnessness: being unable to write a list in any context unless it is round-up-able to a multiple of five… to the eternal point of distraction and frustration and irritation and castration and tiredness and further drunkeness in distant upside-down damn-nations.
Paul Simons’ Del monte special= Where a team enlists the help of tiny harmonic Jew Paul Simon to distract their opponents with tinned fruit.