Page 1

Lady Crumble thanks you for coming on such short notice, and compliments you on your bravery. 'Before you start your ghost hunt,' she says, 'do join me in the living room for light refreshments.'

She brings out a tray and offers it to you.

Do you choose:

Tea 11
Chocolate cake 4
Crumble 18

Page 2

You plunge your arms into the warm, soapy bubbles, and start to scrub. You find a few fingers floating in the sink, but soon the plates are all clean. Lady Crumble enters the room, wearing a ball-gown that artfully hides the ravages of age. You embrace before the gleaming pile, and she leads you to the greenhouse for a fuck.

One year later, you are still very much in love, and living together in Crumble Mansion. It is a source of great joy and comfort to you both to discover the ghost of the dead butler has possessed your son.

Well done! The End.

Page 3

The rat looks devastated, and very reluctantly he offers you his last pigeon's face. You really don't want it, but raise it to your lips. As you do so, the beak moves weakly. It either whispers 'Go to the kitchen' or 'Don't go to the kitchen.' You can't tell.

You crunch the head between your teeth and swallow it. The feathers get stuck in your throat.

The rat is now sulking and won't speak to you, so you ask directions to the kitchen from his wife-rat. She tells you to go through the hatch in the ceiling.

Go through the hatch 6

Page 4

The cake is rich and delicious. Lady Crumble encourages you to wolf it down. It leaves you with a greasy sickliness. Lady Crumble informs you that the butler had very slender white fingers - but before you can find out more, you have an urgent need to find a toilet, and quickly.

Do you:

Probe her for more information on the butler, and hope the feeling will pass 9
Excuse yourself quickly, and try to find the toilet 12

Page 5

As you stir the soup, a sense of profound well-being overwhelms you. You feel happy and relaxed. As you bend down to kiss the soup, you feel the butler's fingerless hands gently lifting you by the hips and easing you into the pot. You feel too happy to resist, and murmur gratefully as he prods you under the surface with a spoon.

The butler sings in a masterful tone:

'Stir the soup
That soupy gloop
You're the stock
It's soup o'clock.'

Your adventure ends here.

Page 6

To your surprise, the kitchen seems perfectly normal. A pot of rich, creamy soup is bubbling on the stove. A pile of dirty dishes is stacked up on the sink. A meat grinder stands on the table, along with a pile of meat waiting to be ground.

Do you:

Do the washing up 2
Stir the soup 5
Grind the meat 28

Page 7

As you do so, the sow flies into a frenzy of violence, catapulting itself across the room with a speed that belies its massive size. It propels itself on a jet-stream of dung and urine, squealing a complicated Biblical curse. You seize a large candlestick, and bury it deep in the sow's bloodshot eye, but this only serves to enrage it more.

The last things you see are the stained yellow teeth that rip off your nose.

Your adventure ends here.

Page 8

To your surprise, the serum tastes delicious, and the retching stops immediately. You relax, and, after a few minutes, ask how the butler died. 'It was a kitchen accident,' she says. 'The sink was blocked with fat, skin and rice, and he attempted to unblock it with his fingers. We found him later that afternoon. His clothes and fingers were missing.'

Your sickness returns, and you begin to sweat profusely.

Do you:

Make your excuses and try to find the toilet 12
Ask for directions to the bathroom 15
Ask more about the butler's fingers 9

Page 9

'Tell me more about the fingers,' you say, feeling your abdomen tenderly as your bowels groan within it. You learn the butler used his fingers for all kinds of tasks around the house: picking locks, stirring lard and birthing piglets. Shortly before his death, however, he lost one of his fingers inside an old sow.

She asks if you'd like to meet the sow to help in your enquiries.

Do you:

Agree to meet the sow 13
Press on with your search for the butler himself 12

Page 10

'It's me, Lady Crumble,' a voice replies.

'I was coming to look for you when I heard strange noises from the kitchen. It sounds like there's something awful happening in there. I demand you investigate.'

You open the door and step out. Lady Crumble grabs you by the hand. As she leads you back downstairs, you notice several pale fingers writhing in her hair.

'You must go in alone,' she says, as you come to the heavy iron door of the kitchen. 'Here's a good luck kiss.' Her tongue darts into your mouth. It feels like a jabbing finger.

Enter the kitchen 6

Page 11

As she pours a cup of tea, you begin to make enquiries about the recent hauntings. You learn that, before his death, Lady Crumble's butler had been fired from her household for eating the other servants' rations of pickled eggs.

As you sip the tea, you notice a thin layer of grease on the surface. It leaves a slightly unpleasant coating on your throat, but you drink it anyway. Immediately afterwards, your bladder swells uncomfortably.

Do you:

Excuse yourself quickly and hope you find the toilet in time 12
Ask Lady Crumble for directions 15

Page 12

You leave the room and head upstairs, where you hope to God you'll find a toilet quickly. You notice that the carpet is damp underfoot, and wonder at what point you lost your shoes. Ahead of you are two doors. One is slightly ajar, and you can hear the sound of rushing water. The other seems to be thinly coated in a viscous oily substance. A clear-coloured jelly oozes from the keyhole.

Do you enter:

The rushing water door 26
The oozing jelly door 22

Page 13

Lady Crumble leads you to the pig room. An oily sign on the door depicts a young child in a blue nightgown, holding an old-fashioned candlestick, stooping to kiss a pig.

'I'll leave you two some time to get to know each other,' she says, handing you a blue nightgown.

Do you:

Strip your clothes and don the nightgown 16
Enter the pig room without the nightgown 7

Page 14

As you hold the handkerchief to your lips, you involuntarily retch, and crumble sprays from your mouth all over the table. The retching continues, and you urinate slightly in your trousers.

'You must be sick,' says Lady Crumble, looking pleased. 'Before he died, the butler developed a special serum for people like you.'

She pulls out an oily green bottle with a label that says BUTLER'S SERUM and a diagram of a large intestine. She pours some into a spoon and holds it to your lips. It smells like fishy tripe.

Do you:

Drink the serum 8
Run from the room 12

Page 15

After a long, complicated explanation and what seems like an eternity of wandering through identical corridors, you find a door with a bell beside it. On the door is an inscription that reads:

A BUTLER'S LIFE IS SAD AND BLEAK
THE BUTTER URN OF WHICH I SPEAK
HAS CHURNED AND TURNED FOR HALF A WEEK
RING THE BELL TO HEAR ME SHRIEK

Do you:

Ring the bell 17
Open the door 26

Page 16

The nightgown is ridiculously small, and doesn't allow for much movement. As you awkwardly enter the room, you see the sow hurriedly concealing a ouija board with a guilty expression on its face. The room is lit only by goose-fat candles. A broken rocking-horse rocks sadly in the corner, and a taxidermied monkey spills its stuffing over a pile of mushy, greenish bones.

There is an overpowering smell of offal. You try to approach the sow, but it backs away in fear.

'I was only trying to contact him,' whimpers the sow.

Do you:

Attempt to interrogate the sow on the butler's whereabouts 7
Join in the seance 20

Page 17

Ding dong! Bad choice. A heavy urn of rancid butter crashes into the back of your head, accompanied by an ear-splitting shriek.

As your life-juices ebb away, you see the butler scraping up the bloody buttery mix from the floor, and ladling it into a vat. The vat reads:

LADY CRUMBLE'S SPECIAL CRUMBLE.

Your adventure ends here.

Page 18

The crumble is utterly disgusting, but your hostess is watching you intently licking her glistening lips. The crumble tastes like little balls of fat rolled in muesli. It cloys and clogs in your mouth, and your body is utterly unable to swallow.

Do you:

Keep chewing, in the hope of choking a bit of it down 21
Discretely spit your mouthful out into a handkerchief 14
Run from the room 23

Page 19

The words are smudged and almost illegible, and a family of slugs has hollowed out a slimy home. The only passage you can read appears to be a poem.

'LUCKY YOU, YOU READ MY WORDS AS YOU SIT UPON THE TOILET.
THE KITCHEN HOLDS A HAPPY END, UNLESS I COME TO SPOIL IT.
HERE I COME. YOU'D BETTER RUN. WILL YOU FIND MY FINGERS FOR ME?
IF YOU DON'T, IT WON'T BE FUN.'

A pale, slender finger rolls out of the book. As you put it in your pocket, you become aware of a looming presence outside the frosted glass of the toilet door.

Do you:

Ask who it is 10
Open the door 25
Attempt to escape down the bubbling hole 24

Page 20

After reassuring the frightened sow, you rearrange the ouija board, hold the sow's trotter in your hands, and attempt to contact the dead butler. He answers immediately.

'Remove my finger from the pig's arse, collect my other fingers from around the house, and you'll solve the mystery.'

You thank the sow, and apologetically rummage until you find the finger. You also find one of your missing shoes.

You pop it on your foot. It's warm. You kiss the pig and hop to the toilet with a renewed sense of urgency.

Proceed to 26

Page 21

You gag as the crumble slides down your throat, and tears of misery roll down your face. Your hostess is delighted you like it so much, and slaps another big helping on your plate. Sticking out of the fresh crumble is a slender white finger.

Thinking it might come in handy, you slip it in your pocket. It wriggles slightly.

You have a strong urge to get away from the table as fast as possible, but Lady Crumble insists you try a slice of greasy black chocolate cake.

Do you:

Run from the room 23
Eat the cake 4

Page 22

Your stomach churns with the greasy warm air that fills your nostrils as you open the door. In front of you is a large porcelain bathtub, literally spilling over with pus. The butler's fat bald head breaks through the surface with an expression of surprised delight. 'Hop in!' he gurgles, clearly aroused. To your horror, you find yourself removing your clothes and whistling a jaunty tune from your childhood bath-times.

'Childhood is over,' says the butler.

Your adventure ends here.

Page 23

As you hurry down the passageway, ashamed and disappointed with yourself, you become racked with nausea. Bent double with pain, you desperately clutch at the bannister.

It feels warm, greasy and strangely porous. It dawns on you that what you are holding is the butler's engorged, turgid penis. The penis is covered in goose fat.

Your adventure ends here.

Page 24

You take a deep breath, and jump head-first into the hole. Almost immediately, you are badly winded by the bloated body of a dead piglet, and swallow a few mouthfuls of rotting sewage. You are rushing through the secret sewer pipes of the house at enormous speed.

You splash down in a fetid rat-hole. A wise-looking rat approaches you. He's eating the face of a pigeon. 'Riddle me this!' he says.

'A pigeon's face is fat and sweet,
What's your favourite thing to eat?'

Do you say:

Lady Crumble's crumble 17
A butler's thumb 27
A pigeon's face 3

Page 25

As you open the door, you are flung violently backwards by a greasy, powerful arm. Your head smashes into the cistern, breaking it and drenching you in stagnant water. As your eyes regain focus, you make out what can only be the butler, sopping wet, trouser-less and wearing a yellow dog mask, bearing down upon you with terrible force.

'The pet becomes the master,' he chuckles. The mask slips off, revealing a giant penis in the shape of a dog's head.

Your adventure ends here.

Page 26

You are relieved to find yourself in an ornate and beautiful bathroom. You are standing ankle-deep in water. Water cascades from a broken pipe on the wall, and the tiles are covered in green mould. After crushing the toads on the toilet seat, you gratefully use the facilities.

Next to the toilet you notice a hole, bubbling and frothing with dirty brown water. On the floor you find a sodden leather-bound book entitled 'The Butler's Manual.'

Do you:

Read the book 19
Leave the bathroom 25
Jump down the hole 24

Page 27

The rat is delighted. He produces a butler's thumb from his wife-rat, who regurgitates it in front of you. He insists that you eat it immediately. You really don't want to, but you feel it would be rude to refuse, as the wife-rat is now near death.

As soon as you put it in your mouth, it takes on a life of its own, wriggling and forcing its way down your throat. Disgusted, you ask the rat how to find your way back to the surface, but he is now sobbing and choking over the body of his wife-rat.

By the time you find a ladder leading up to a hatch in the ceiling, the rat has died of grief, and is being eaten by his friends.

Climb the ladder to 6

Page 28

As you grind the meat, a sense of profound well being overwhelms you. You become mesmerised by the sight of the meat churning out of the grinder. Some of it starts to look strangely familiar. You recognise your own fingernails in the mince, and realise it is no longer you turning the grinder, but a sweaty bald man smoking a pipe full of human hair. He is whacking himself off into one of your shoes with one hand, and furiously cranking the grinder with the other.

Your adventure ends here.