Dear Prime Ministent
Stolen from the letterbox of 10 Drowning Street.
Dear Prime Ministent,
Enclosed is the new set of teeth you requested. I hope they give you as much satisfaction as the last ones. They are identical to your previous set, apart from the reinforced concrete core, which I added ? on Ministry of Defence recommendations ? to protect against suicide bombings. In case of daily wear and tear, they can be resprayed with any good quality oil-based white gloss paint. I have also taken the liberty of including an extra three feet of stretchable lipping, noticing how quickly it seems to wear out.
Please also find enclosed the new pair of hands you wanted. Again, they are very similar to the old models, the only differences being the strengthened, stainless nails and the slightly larger fist size. Following suggestions from your public relations department, I have made the skin covering fully machine-washable, which should make them easy to keep clean. The joints are programmed, of course, with all your old gestures.
Also enclosed, suspended in sterile solution, are your fresh eyeballs, compatible with all new developments in biometric identification. As you requested, I have contracted the pupils to reduce light penetration, and added a moistened, transparent surface layer which should eliminate all need for blinking. At your own convenience, please could you return your eyelids ? now redundant ? in the enclosed gummed plastic pouch, so they can be stored safely until further notice.
Last but not least, Prime Ministent: your new skin. Simply unroll and stretch, adhesive side down, tightly across any surface you wish to be re-covered, then cut carefully around any important features ? eyes, mouth, nostrils etc. ? with a sharp pair of scissors. The material is of the highest quality, waxed, dubbed and fully waterproofed, which gives it the luminous, shining appearance you like so much. This finish can be maintained by regular buffing, or even, if you prefer, a light coat of varnish. You will notice the addition of the slim, impermeable membrane, to be worn inside the skin ? again on the suggestion of your public relations department ? to minimise and reduce visible perspiration. Finally, as you personally requested, the thickness of the material has been increased by a good 2.5 millimetres. I sincerely hope that this ? and all the other items you receive ? are to your complete satisfaction.
If in the unlikely event you should find fault with any of our products ? and I would like to take this opportunity to apologise again for the problem with last year?s heart; I can assure you that heads have rolled for this ? please do not hesitate to contact me. I would be delighted to assist you in any way I can.
Best of luck with the War on Terror. Enjoy all the body parts.
Yours sincerely,
Chief Outfitter,
Tailored Democracy Limited.